I’m going to let you into a secret that NO ONE in my family knows. There’s a bit of a back story to all of this and you need to hold on cos it’s a somewhat longish story. Gladiators, the UK version of the US show, came to TV in 1992 and was cancelled in 2000 when I was 17. I had wanted to get on the show at the time but, being only 17, I was too young and by the time I was eligible, the show was obviously gone. The show then returned to UK TV screens for another series on Sky in 2008. I was 25 when this series aired and I auditioned for it. That is the bit they don’t know. I didn’t do it as a joke. I genuinely – GENUINELY – wanted to be on the show. I applied, I got an audition, I auditioned, I never got past that stage because I wasn’t actually as fit as I thought I could have been. I mean… I did most of the stuff well, but there were plenty of things that I was pretty bad at doing (who even knows what a crocodile walk is and why you’d even need to do it?). Unsurprisingly, I was a bit gutted not to make it.
But then I saw the actual version of the show itself and was actually quite pleased. Because that version of the show was awful.
But not as bad as THIS monstrosity.
For the uninitiated, American Gladiators began way back in 1989 and pitted 2 men and 2 women against a selection of stronger, taller, rougher characters called Gladiators, some of whom had silly names like Lace and Malibu, but also better names like Turbo and Zap. Points were scored in different events where contenders had to climb a wall without being caught, roll around in giant hamster balls (I’m really selling this shit to you, aren’t I?) and hit gladiators with giant cotton buds.
And if all that sounds amazing (and it sorta was) then you’ll probably have been quite excited for the possibility of a Gladiators-themed video game for the Mega Drive!
But trust us! You shouldn’t be!
Because it’s utter shite!
There are several reasons as to why this SHOULD work… but just not in this era of gaming. This would have worked SO much better in 3D… I think. I mean, I don’t know. By the time the shows stopped really airing, it was the Playstation and Saturn era of gaming and the early 3D stuff was a bit… ropey. Maybe it wouldn’t have worked. BUT LET’S SAY THAT IT WOULD HAVE WORKED.
The problem with American Gladiators as a video game is that the whole shebang feels like a bizarre series of poorly programmed minigames without any real idea of its identity. It tried to show off every single game the show had – TRIED being the operative word – but every single game feels like it desperately wants to hamper your progress.
But more than anything… nothing about it really makes much sense.
It might be easier to break this down by explaining each game individually and explaining why it sucks.
So here we have Assault. In the UK, we called it Danger Zone. The premise here is to hit the target above the gladiators head using one of four weapons. The gladiator shoots tennis balls from a massive tennis ball cannon to impede your progress. Get hit, you’re done. Points scored only for firing weapons or hitting the target. The problem here is that there are two viewpoints. The first one puts you top-down as you make your way from station to station avoiding being shot. Make it to a station, press a button (I forget which one, I don’t even care) and you switch to a view from the station itself. You have to move your character to pick up the weapon without being shot, then shoot your weapon by aiming a pair of lines SOMEWHERE (who the fuck knows where but just have a go and hope it hits!) again without being shot. Then press a button to let go of the weapon and move away from the station. Without getting shot.
You will not be surprised to know that this does not go very well.
You cannot tell where to shoot because there’s no help with the lines. If that little box had the target INSIDE IT, that would have made it more doable. Instead, you’re just expected to KNOW where to shoot it. Did you assume it’d be in the centre? WELL, YOU’RE WRONG!
Now, in 3D, this would have been easier, because you could have easily seen the balls coming at you, you could have had run and jog buttons to help you avoid the balls. You could have had an automatic weapon pick-up. You could have the target inside the crosshairs to help you. So many things would have made this better. Instead, it plays like shite because everything doesn’t work properly and you’ll be lucky to pick up any points for it.
The game’s biggest draw was ALWAYS going to be Joust (better known as Duel, the game that they always had to put in every episode of the UK series). This one takes place on top of two high platforms with the object of the game being to knock the opponent off. Staying on for the time would garner 5 points, while actually knocking the gladiator off would give you a full ten. This tended to be the best game on TV as it was basically a bit scrap with giant cotton buds/pugil sticks. A good scrap looks brilliant.
On this?
Well. If you can imagine what disappointment might look like.
This is it.
Now… this is something that could be strategic… or at the very least include some semblance of actual gameplay. You have three main buttons, one could be a block, the other two different attacks. Maybe even attach a direction button for a more powerful attack, but one that leaves you ope- IT’S A FUCKING BUTTON MASHING MESS AND THERE’S NOTHING TO REDEEM IT.
This could have been SPECIAL. This could have been the best part of the game, bar none. The problem is… fighting games on the Mega Drive were always a bit shonky. Even when they finally gave it Street Fighter 2, the rest of the gubbins on that console was shonky. This is by far the least fun fighting experience, barring maybe Rise of the Robots and that game with the fat alien with a face in his belly. Whatever the fuck that was meant to be.
OF COURSE it would be better in 3D. Firstly, there’d be more strategy in trying to overbalance your opponent… but to be honest, making this in 3D would only be the beginning. They’d have to make sure the controls were good and they made the whole thing more than just BASH BUTTONS, HOPE FOR THE BEST.
THIS IS MEANT TO BE EXCITING. OH MY GOD. Instead, it plays like shite because they couldn’t actually think about how simple it might be to even code a basic enough ROCK PAPER SCISSORS experience which would have been 1000 times better than what they gave us here. Inexcusable, guys.
The Wall is a game that involves climbing a wall.
I know. I’m as shocked as you are. In this case, you move your contender by pressing B AND the directional button. See, this isn’t the WORST idea… and it is the simplest game of the lot. But it’s very hit and miss. You could actually spend the whole time barely off the ground and the gladiator might not come after you. But to be honest, the fairness is always a bit off in this game anyway. At least in this one, you can see things ahead of you AND you can see your opponent doing just as badly/screaming up the wall.
Now… in 3D, this would obviously work quite similarly, perhaps the number of routes could open up and you’ll have to press a few more buttons to chance it. But rock climbing isn’t the hardest thing to recreate, so finding a way of making the act of rock climbing more fun might need a bit of help. ALSO, when the gladiator so much as touches you, you are ripped off the wall without a fight. Give the player a chance to cling on for dear life with a stamina meter! Instead, it plays like shite because the buttons don’t always work the way you want them to and you’ll be lucky to pick up points over your opponent.
Atlaspheres involves rolling around the arena inside a giant, metallic cheese-grater-like sphere trying to roll over scoring pods. Every pod scores you a point. In the UK, this was 3 points because anyone who played it will tell you that rolling around in those things was hard as hell, particularly when you’re being chased by a gladiator in one of their own. What makes this one garbage is that you can BARELY SEE anything that’s going on because the screen has a third taken over by the scoring and timer, and half of it is showing what you’re opponent is doing.
Now… trickier in 3D, perhaps. It’s doable, but the perspective is what’s going to help most here. The big problem would obviously be creating the right physics with your character inside and the little slopes that lead up to the scoring pods. There needs to be a bit of a margin for error here because no way is this going to be easy to get done properly without being frustrating as all fuckery. And obviously… we need to see the whole screen, not just 25% of a screen showing one ball rolling around like it’s either supercharged or running out of batteries. Instead, it plays like shite because you can’t see anything and if you’re not directly over the pod, you might as well cry about it now because you’ll never score any points.
Powerball, which wasn’t introduced into the UK version until series 2, features both contenders and three gladiators. The contenders have to deposit scoring balls into the pods around the playing area without being tackled to the ground like you’re rugby fodder. It’s one point for getting the ball into the outer pods, and 2 points – LOL! As if that’ll ever happen! – for getting one into the centre pod, providing you escape the crushing grasp of a gladiator.
Look… it’s fucking terrible because you can’t even SEE where the pods or gladiators are and if you come into contact with ANYTHING, your character stops moving. Standing by the pod? Can’t move. Standing by the ball container? Can’t move. Want to pick up a ball? You must be directly facing it and at the correct angle or you can’t move.
And yes. 3D. Better. At least we’d be able to fucking see what’s going on. Instead, it plays like shite because I’m just tired now and want it to stop.
OH FUCK. There’s the Eliminator as well. I almost forgot. And even this isn’t fair. It doesn’t work like the show. You don’t get a head start for being in front. You get points for completing obstacles regardless of how fast you complete everything. You lose points for doing things wrong. But fucking hell, I’m tired. I want to scream at this game so badly. I just want it to end. I don’t want to have to listen to the same awful dirge that plays from the title screen ad nauseum. I don’t want to play any of the events because they control like arse. I don’t want to be on the show anymore.
You ruined it for me, Gametek.
You ruined it for me.
I’d have gladly gone on the Sky version of our gladiators rather than play you.
AND FUCK ME, THAT IS SAYING A LOT.
Blimey, boyo 