Let’s NOT Talk About Flicky

flicky cover

Gentlepeople of the interwebs, I have a confession to make that will shock and appal you to your very soul until you realise that deep down, it’s not even worth fussing about and you begin to wonder why I even told you. However, I will literally DIE of indignity if I do not tell you this.

I QUITE LIKE THIS GAME.

FUCK, I EVEN BOUGHT THE THING ON STEAM TO PLAY IT.

I AM PLAYING IT RIGHT NOW IN BETWEEN THESE SENTENCES.

BUT IT’S SHIT.

It’s absolutely AWFUL. If anything, this is a mobile game. This is a game that would have done rather well as one of the first mobile games on the app stores that cost you no money. They probably could actually remake this game for the app store and add a billion more levels to it and it’d STILL be a shit game but I’d probably buy it.

I cannot even fathom as to why I would even WANT to do that. I mean… look… if I show you a screenshot, will I shut up about it?

flicky1

OH FUCK. THAT’S IT. THAT’S THE BUGGER. GET IT AWAY.

I’m still playing it by the way.

It’s still shit.

Anyway, this is Flicky. This was in fact the first game I received for my birthday the year after we got the Mega Drive/Genesis. I’m British so I’m going to say Mega Drive and if you can’t deal with that then really, you need to sort out your priorities, the world doesn’t revolve around you, stop crying into your crisps and go tell your mum that I’m a bastard, well whatever, YOU AIN’T MY MUVVA.

Glad we got that out of the way. Anyway! So I got this and Toejam and Earl, which apparently took immense amounts of convincing to persuade my parents to get for me, and to be honest, I probably did play on this more than I did on Toejam and Earl because that game was WAY too long for me to keep my interest and I only properly completed it when I was 16.

I NEVER HAVE COMPLETED THIS.

I’ve got to the final level once.

I died.

I wanted to cry.

My mum and brother watched me play it to the end. WE ALL NEARLY CRIED. It was magical. Sort of. Weirdly.

Dad was asleep in the front room. No change there then. Hi Dad! You’re not even reading this. Hi Mum! Neither are you. Hi bruv! You MIGHT be reading but only if I’m telling you to.

So it’s magical transformation time as I tell you all about the wonders and marvels of the story of FLICKY!

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You’re Flicky. You’re a blue bird. You collect chicks dotted about the levels and take them to the exit, avoiding the cats and lizard.

That’s it.

THAT IS IT FOR 48 FUCKING LEVELS (bonus levels included)

No, no, no, I am not kidding. You are doing the same old tired shit for 20 minutes of irk-inducing music-filled neon-tinted levels of SHEER UNADULTERATED BOBBINS.The only plus to this game is that eventually, some of the chicks you have to collect are wearing sunglasses and to be perfectly honest, if that is the most impressive things that your game can offer than you might as well shut down every games company in the world because nothing will ever top that zenith.

CHICKS WITH SUNGLASSES = LIFE GOALS REACHED. Clear away everything, everyone. We’re done here. Fucking go home. You can’t top this shit. It’s the bees’ knees. It’s the HAIR ON BEES’ MOTHER-FLIPPING KNEES, Y’ALL.

If you weren’t aware by now, yes I am being more sarcastic than Johnny Cage, Blackadder and Chandler Bing combined.

Sorry, but if you can only offer me chicks with sunglasses, you’re basically woofing at the wrong oak or however that saying goes. Actually, they aren’t even that cool because unlike the other chicks, the ones with sunglasses run away from you if they get detached from your long line of chicks by a bastard cat. Bastards. Supposedly, this adds challenge to the game. No. It turns into a disturbing game of kiss chase or something.

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Now, I’ve not actually gone into any major detail as to why this game sucks other than simply telling you that it does. Many times. MANY MANY TIMES. It sucks. There you go. On a serious note, here are some issues.

1: It sucks.
The graphics, that is. They are charmless, repetitive and by headache-inducing. Most levels give you a MASSIVE burst of colour via the wanky backgrounds. The first levels are some sort of lime green/puke colour and by the time you reach level 32, as above, you can see they ran out of options and went for ACTUAL puke colour. The problem is that the chicks get lost in these yellowy backgrounds, making these levels harder than they fucking well need to be.

2: It sucks.
The music, that is. It’s one tune. Actually… tell a lie. It’s two tunes. Three if you include the theme tune which lasts all of about fifteen seconds. Four if you include the ending theme. I think. I WOULDN’T KNOW, I NEVER GOT THAT FAR. The main level tune is what you imagine grasshoppers have sex to.

I know. I just put that image into your head. You’re welcome.

But it goes ON and ON and ON and you have to hear it EVERY SINGLE LEVEL. When the bonus round theme comes in, you’re ALMOST happy until you realise that THAT music is also dire and irritating to the point where you want to crush your own spleen to avoid listening to it.

3: It sucks.
The controls, that is. Jumping is reasonably tight but the way that Flicky bounces off the platforms and sides of platforms is most definitely a fast way to losing every life you own. Good thing you can earn lives via the high score up to a maximum of… ten… I think. I never did manage to accrue every life I could without dying once beforehand. I’m not THAT good at the bloody thing. You ping around the levels so fiercely sometimes that you end up careering into cats and lizards with alarming regularity and making poor Flicky cry. He doesn’t get eaten. He gets caught and suddenly everything disappears and he sits there and laments the loss of the chicks he collects. Yeah, I suppose it’s a kid’s game. It’s not as if you’re going to see detailed footage of the cats ripping Flicky’s head off and feasting on his entrails. That probably wouldn’t go down TOOOOOOO well.

4: It sucks.
The game that is. Did I mention that? It’s 48 levels of the same thing?

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But ask yourself something before you pass judgement: why am I still playing it and why have I just died yet again at this FUCKING level?

You know what it is? This game is a quick fix. It’s a quick twenty-minute (if even that) mobile game. You can pick up and play easily and you can spend up to twenty minutes mindlessly collecting yellow featherballs and avoiding Nyannyan and Choro for most likely 30 of the 48 levels and you’ll come back to it again for some unknown reason.

Maybe you’re a masochist.

Maybe you’re a sadist.

Maybe you’re both.

Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Either way, what you’re basically saying is that sometimes the simplest games are the ones with that ‘one-more-go’ feel to them. I want to complete the game because to be perfectly honest, I bloody well know that I can. I can get myself back to level 48 and I can fucking defeat this bastard game. I also know that I can beat my high score. That score’s pretty damn good for me but fuck it, I can beat that score.

But no one does that for games now. You don’t play games for scores or to really… complete anything. They don’t make games like this anymore. This is a lost arcade game where the high scores were on show for everyone to see and everyone thought you were either the biggest loser or the best gamer ever seen on the planet. Whether you wanted to or not.

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Also, look at the arcade version. I’m not sure if it’s better or worse looking.

In reality, I know this game is awful and I have to admit that. I play shit games. Everyone plays shit games because how else would you know if it was shit or not? You have to play these things to know whether they’re good, shit, both or NONE OF THE ABOVE.

Flicky, you are an AWFUL, AWFUL game and you know it.

But be damned if I don’t fucking complete you in the next month or so, I’ll be having plenty of roast chicken for dinner.

WHO WANTS PAPRIKA?

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