Oooooooooh… so I’ve got into slightly newer, less retro gaming WELL BOO YOU THIS GAME IS OLD ENOUGH TO COUNT and I have a headache from realising just how old the game is and how old is technically means that I am. I mean, I’m 31 (32 soon enough) but realising that this game is 7 years old is moderately depressing. I still remember getting the Wii and playing this game by sitting on a dining room chair in the middle of the living room and having to drag out a piece of carpet from underneath the sofa because mum was worried I’d ruin the carpet by sitting on a chair in the middle of the room in case it left dents in it and to be fair she was right. She was OH SO RIGHT and I would apologise to her for that but that would involve actually admitting that a parent was right and you can never do that because ALL LIFE ON EARTH WOULD CEASE TO EXIST IF THAT EVER HAPPENED.
And without that, we’d never have this game.
Make of that what you will.
I’ll tell you what it is: A MORBID SENSE OF DEATH WHY DID I EVEN BRING THAT UP MY FREAKIN’ GOD.
So back in the day, The Sims suddenly became a little bit less like Sims and bit more square and cutesy and everyone batted an eyelid about it yelling “THIS IS NOT SIMS” and “I NOT LIKE NOT-SIMS” and “I HATE DIFFERENT” before realising that actually it was cutesy and childish and people realised that it really wasn’t for them and to be honest why were they even fussing about it in the first fucking place, you dicks. Stop being such dicks about games that aren’t made for you.
Anyway… there is also one other massive thing that makes this different to any other Sims game!
“Is it that the people look different?”
…two things then.
“Is it that there aren’t any moodlets and mood ratings?”
…threeeeeee things then.
FINE, THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME SYSTEM IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TO THE SIMS. THAT IS WHY IT IS CALLED MYSIMS. STOP BEING SO BLOODY NOT-SIMS-ISH ABOUT IT.
You know what’s so fucking different about this game? IT HAS A PLOT. THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S A SIMS FRANCHISE GAME THAT HAS A BLOODY PLOT. And you know what? It’s absolutely bloody ridiculous.
AND SO THE PLOT THICKENS! Well… basically, the town you’re about to ceremoniously dumped in used to have some MYSTICAL person who helped keep the town running smoothly and shit because apparently these MySims have MAGICAL POWERS (well… you do anyway. The rest of them have varying degrees of magicness… mostly none BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT YOU AND YOU ARE GOD). Imagine Animal Crossing’s whole MAYOR thing where you go to your new town and they’re all like “HOORAY THE NEW MAYOR IS HERE!” and you keep up that charade forever until you stop playing for one day and never return to it… only with square-headed people and it’s completely intentional that you are the CHOSEN ONE… so it’s not like Animal Crossing at all.
Eventually, you get to make your very own Simlet who you can design in all manner of ways, albeit not initially because you have to unlock some other outfits and other hairstyles and other junk because YOU HAVE TO EARN THESE THINGS YOU KNOW. After designing the most ordinary looking SimSim possible (seriously, poor choice of options guys. Hairstyles and hair colours could have been totally doable but you ended up giving up about a dozen hairstyles and less than 5 colours? Whoop. Imagination, life is your creation and all that bobbins), you then build your house because OH NO, SOMEONE FORGOT TO BUILD IT! HOW EMBARRASSING. A bit of jiggery movery shakery dickery later and you have the wonkiest looking house plastered with all the shit you could possibly imagine all over it. Sorta. OH but you need to build a workshop because how else will you pander to the whims of your townspeople (all four of them, awoohoo) if you haven’t got a place to place to build all this crap? BUT OH NO! IT’S NOT BEEN BUILT EITHER! TEEHEE! YOU’LL HAVE TO BUILD IT YOURSELF BECAUSE WE’RE ALL LAZY SODS! OH MY! In short, the whole cast of the game is laughing at you because they suck. This is how emotional abuse starts. You’re their lapdog. They might drown you in appreciative “oh you’re so good” comments but basically they’re just saying “FIX MY TOILET” and “BUILD ME A BITCH DETECTOR MACHINE” and “GO DIG THAT GRAVE FOR THIS BODY” and you just go and fucking do it like the little whiny bitch that you are, you pansy-ass doormat, you. Whatever. They’ve got square heads anyway.
So anyway, you’re in charge of turning the town back into the SUPER WONDERFUL NOT SO FUCKING SHIT TOWN it currently is! You start off with three residents, the Mayor and the hotel bellhop. The only one who currently matters is Poppy as she is your window into getting other people to move in. She’s uber cheery, loves flowers, loves pink and is the most stereotypical cutesy girl you could possibly imagine in any gaming situation but to be fair, this game is not completely stereotypical as at least ONE of the remaining other characters is NOT a cute-loving pink-obsessed girly girl (but there are FOUR OF THEM IN TOTAL) so it’s obviously not sexist at all. There is a girl DJ and a girl scientist. BUT FOUR CUTESY GIRLY GIRLS. Way to go diversity! *INSERT PARTY POPPER NOISE HERE*
In order to PLEASE your subjects, you must build them all kinds of stuff. They ask for it, you make it, you don’t get paid and basically they call you their friend and that’s the extent of your relationship. They never call, they never write, you never get anything from them and YOU have to do all the hard work of actually talking to them, the selfish, selfish bastards. So you build them their thrones of LIES and toilets of DECEIT and their shelves of SELFISHNESS and the more stuff you make, the more residents you get – but you have paint these blasted contraptions with essences. Essences grow on trees. Initially, you start off painting with apples and flowers and eventually you plant ghosts, eyeballs, springs, pinwheels (ONLY ON THE PC VERSION THOUGH) and chess pieces, you fish for tires, snakes, beach balls and tiny sharks and you prospect for cake, bacon, terracotta pots and magic 8-ball. What the hell these idiots are doing BURYING BACON I have no idea because if anyone close to me started burying bacon in the ground, they’d get their vocal chords smashed in with the Wii remote because NO ONE IS BURYING MY BACON.
Already, you get the impression that this is unusual. It is an unusual experience to be fair. The whole concept of prospecting for such random objects and planting thorns and black roses and hearts and diamonds is just plain WTF-ery but that’s all part of this game’s BIGGEST strength: CHARM.
Oh my GOD, you have no idea how much charm this game has. It has it by the absolute bucketload. Aside from the gripes about the lack of customisation, there is enough to get you smiling as you turn your Simbaby into a wide-eyed simpleton or a mohican-sporting dead-eyed businessperson but this game is some charming because it’s so enormously happy and likeable. You feel sad for these little critters when they’re sad. You feel bad for being mean to people. You feel good when they do their little cheery clap and whoop-whoops all over the shop and you just… feel… HAPPY. It’s the type of game that you just ENJOY playing because you can’t get over how stupidly cute and happy it all is.
AND THEN THERE’S THIS GUY:
THIS. GUY. IS. LEGENDARY.
This is Buddy. He is the epitome of what this game is. He is the most ridiculously happy, charming little fucker you’ll ever come across. He’s a massive, massive dimwit, and you love him for it. He’s CONSTANTLY tripping and falling over. Literally, the first time you see him, he salutes you like an idiot, takes two steps and falls flat on his face. This is a regular occurrence and it’s so fucking adorable that if you even consider telling me that you hate him or dislike him or feel indifferent to him or rate him anything less than a 5/5 character then you can go make yourself a MySims toilet and flush yourself down it because you are wrong and Buddy is easily the best character ever created in this game followed closely behind by Dr F with his constant ‘THE F STANDS FOR ROBOTS’ shenanigans. Buddy is everything about this game. I felt compelled to give him EVERYTHING I MADE to win him over as a friend. He’s my first best friend EVERY TIME I play this game because who WOULDN’T want this lovable little dimwit as their best friend? He’s AMAZING. Fuck you if you don’t agree. You’re wrong and you can continue to be wrong until you change your mind and become right. MMMMMMMKAY? Good. Moving on.
And yes, that guy is wearing a sushi hat. He’s not a stereotype at all. He’s a sushi chef. The world is sighing for us all right now.
Yeah, OK, there’s immense amounts of repetition in this game. The basic premise is that you make stuff for everyone over and over and abide by their wills until they around and say “I’m done now, fuck off” and you get to do it all over again for other people. The collecting of essences can get boring very quickly and what you’re doing is building, delivering, collecting over and over again until your town becomes a 5-star town all over again like it used to be when the previous MYSTICAL MYSIM was around, alive and kicking. It’s not the type of game you can spend an inordinate amount of time playing in one go. It’s a quick burst game realistically. An hour will be enough before you start to get a bit bored of trying to find chocolate cake stuck in the ground so that someone can have their sink to clean their ice cream parlour. But… there’s just something that keeps you coming back, wanting to get that fifth star. The charm hooks you in and only lets you go when you’re slightly bored. You put it down, but you know you’re going to pick it back up again.
And besides, you can’t leave Buddy on his own for too long cos who knows what’s going to happen. I mean, you give that guy an oven painted with bacon and you know he’s either going to try and eat the fucking thing or burn the whole town down. No offence but you don’t exactly want the deaths of these selfish little bastards on your conscience now, do you?
YOU DO? I worry about you sometimes.