And prizes for the most inaccurate title of the century goes to THIS because if he was truly silent, he wouldn’t open his mouth and subject us to that godawful monotone drawl that he calls a voice and he’d actually sound like he cares. Problem is, he doesn’t care and that’s exactly how he’s being played by the voice actor so kudos for that but holy shit is it a bore to listen to him drone like a football player post-match.
Late in the life of the PS1, this game appeared and blew some people away HA HA PUN INTENDED THAT WAS CLEVER but at the same time, it was so late in life of the PS1 that is fell a little bit by the wayside. People vaguely remember it as being ‘that game where you blow stuff up’ but by the same token, that can pretty much sum up most games apart from Barbie’s Horse World of Horses and Super Pink Fun. I dunno what those games are called, they’re fucking Barbie and they’re made to suck. I don’t buy shit games. Not often anyway.
So there’s a plot to this game apparently and it isn’t all about blowing stuff up randomly. Sometimes you have to blow stuff up in order and then sometimes you have to run away before other stuff blows up which adds a whole new dimension to the idea of running around and blowing shit up. I make it sound more exciting than it actually is. Or it’s more exciting than it sounds. One of those two. Depends on who you are. There are two types of people according to tumblr. Apart from the third person who just says BANANA all of the time. And the fourth person who complained about BANANAS being offensive in some way.
SUPPER HAPPY FUN PLOT TIME COMMENCE!
Look at this chinny bloke. Jeez, he’s so unrealistic looking with his silly hair and his silly rendered face and ridiculous hair. I mean, seriously. Hair. What? Don’t even go there. Anyway, his name is JUTAH – pronounced YOO-TA as in: ‘who’s making the tea?” “You, ta” – and he was once a lively soul who actually cared but then people blew things up and said “the world is shit so just deal with it” and he basically did deal with it by becoming the most boring man in the world in terms of speaking voice. He even admits that’s a mere shell of a man now, nothing more than a fighting machine. He sounds fun. Invite him to a party. See what happens You won’t regret that, I promise. So he and his band of possible renegades/not renegades are shot down by some bad guys as they’re on their way to destroy some massive tank-type thing or whatever called Dante because it’s killing the planet – a planet full of military people and bombers and stuff which actually sounds like even more fun – the subject matter isn’t exactly optimistic.
So he and his merry men and women are shot down, scattered across the planet in random locations, because that’s how these things work, and you have to listen to the uber-serious tones of Annri Ohara, you’re guide-in-chief to the whole shebang who basically calls you out for being a heartless git for the entire game but thanks you for doing what you do in the way that you do it in a ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ kind of way because her character development is so flawed that she appears to be only good as a secretary and getting kidnapped resulting in SEXISM. And bad character design. Seriously, she sounds like she hates you and seeing as you’re such a bastard back to her, I’m not fucking surprised, you arse. Stop being an arse and just learn how to sound like you know what a puppy is. Puppies make everything better. This is also why this game isn’t better than it is: no puppies. You done goofed, CyberConnect. Ya done goofed.
So there’s some other story bits that involve a lot of betrayal, character assassination in mid-fight and Tim, the ship’s pilot, screaming his way through whilst sounding amazingly like a nine-year-old have a whinge about everything. But guess what the main objective of the game is?
TO BLOW SHIT UP.
Seriously, you wander corridors and hallways and larger hallways and larger, longer corridors blowing shit up around the place and then blowing up enemies in the same way and then finding even more long, wide, large, massive corridors and hallways to blow stuff up in. You find E-chips, you upgrade your weapons and you BLOW SHIT UP.
What are we doing? BLOWING SHIT UP.
FUCK YEAH WE ARE.
Did you expect a game with ‘bomber’ in the title to NOT involve blowing shit up? Having said that, I expected the protagonist not to speak and I’d have been more thankful if he was actually NOT speaking but we can’t all have what we want because if that were true, I’d have got balloons like I wanted on my 7th birthday which I am totally not bitter about at all and I don’t know why you brought it up, you monster. YOU DID THIS TO ME. I HATE YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE. I’M GOING TO MY ROOM.
OK, so blocked-out memories aside, REFERENCE JOKE, the characters in this game are not developed particularly well on the basis that there feels as though a sequel was going to be made and the characters aren’t likeable enough to make you care about them. They’re too one-dimensional and follow one simple trait throughout the game but all of them complain or boast or whinge or complain or complain and boast and bitch about each other that there’s no teamwork involved. It’s like “go blow that shit up” followed by “fuck you, you’re not the boss of me” followed by “Wah! You’re mean to me!” followed by “whatever” followed by “yeah, yeah, just do it” and then rounded off with an “I already did it while you were crying, stop being a whiny bitch about it already, Jeez, get off my back.”
Dialogue development for the win.
The fact that you don’t care enough about the characters sorta makes the game feel a bit hollow and empty though, like the main character REFERENCE JOKE. You wander through the samey corridors with your bitchy characters bitching and you wonder why they’re even there other as plot devices for a plot that becomes increasingly more pointless and annoying. You could say that the plot implodes on itself over time but that’s not funny because bombs explode, not implode and why would you say such a thing? I mean, really. That shit is tired, man.
Look, there’s no much silent but there’s more bombing than you can shake a stick at but again, why are you shaking sticks at bombs? Did you not learn anything at school? I’m starting to get tired of your stick shaking. Stop baiting the bombs and go do your homework.
I mean, really.